Marriage and Babies... Here's what to know!

Think I’m going to take a break (at least for this post) to write about something very different. I have a hard-hitting blog I’m thinking about (idea submitted by a good friend of mine), but that’s gonna wait. This one is still important, but may not apply to many of you.

But, I’ve got some friends getting married and having kids soon. I got to thinking about the advice I’d like to give. We all have our opinions on how people are supposed to run their own lives. Mine just happen to be right. J But employing learned advice and giving it are two different things. Would I have followed any of this when I was younger? Not sure. I would have liked the opportunity. That’s not to say I didn’t get good advice when I went through these times. I certainly did. But, these are the things I learned going through a couple of life’s major milestones:

MARRIAGE

1)      It’s a Love Triangle

a.       Marriage is a covenant between you and God where the goal is for you all to become one. Picture a triangle where God is at the top. If each of you grow closer to Him, you’ll inherently grow closer to each other. But if you try to just grow closer to each other without God involved, the triangle breaks. And if one of you is seeking God and the other isn’t, the triangle gets unbalanced. All three points must meet to maximize your marriage. And God is an unmoving standard. Move to meet Him and you’ll both reap the blessings.

2)      Both of you will make mistakes

a.       Newsflash: You’re not perfect. And neither is the person you marry. Marriage is a magnifying glass. Over time, long or short, the little things become big ones. Things you couldn’t see before are now visible. Remember when you first started dating and everything was peachy? After around 3-6 months, that kind of withered away and you start getting irritated with each other. Same thing happens. Once you realize (and understand) you each are flawed you can learn to forgive each other. Hurting each other will happen. Learning how to respond to that (and giving each other the benefit of the doubt) will keep the peace.

3)      It’s a commitment

a.       Don’t create contingencies. Too many people go into marriage with an unspoken understanding that you can get out if it doesn’t work. Society has taught us that. Don’t buy into that lie. Marriage is hard. Sometimes it sucks. But it’s also a choice you made. If it’s only a legal contract to you, then you will look for the first opportunity to run when it DOES get hard. When you roll over and can’t stand the face next to you, remember why you married in the first place.

4)      Love is an action, not a feeling

a.       You’re not always going to be ‘in love’. Don’t buy the lie that a good marriage is a romantic movie. Married life is listening to each other fart and pee in the morning. It’s fighting over whether to watch the Ranger game or Lifetime channel. Loving someone means to serve them and accept them. To make them better. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It’s 100/100. You both have to give it your all. Doing so is loving the other. You’re gonna not like each other a lot. A whole lot. But you can still love those you don’t like. The key is getting past that and liking each other again. Don’t confuse like with love. It’s too easy to do. And that confusing dooms more marriages than anything else.

5)      Don’t try to change each other

a.       Connected to the fact you both aren’t perfect, you need to be careful not to try to change each other. You certainly both must improve yourselves and learn how to coexist. But, be careful or you’ll look up to find yourself with someone else other than the one you married.

6)      Feed each other’s ego

a.       As you live together, each of your flaws will be magnified. One of the hardest things to do is to see the good in each other. Life beats you up and drags you down. You must boost each other up. You’re partners. Even when it doesn’t feel that way, you’re on the same side. Make each other feel good about themselves. That’s not just about saying, “I love you”, although that’s important. It’s about making the other feel good about themselves. Knowing the other has your back, unconditionally, provides hope. Hope is one of the most powerful emotions in existence. Feed that hope. You can tease each other and rag on each other for fun… but mix in affirming, encouraging words too.

7)      Don’t overextend yourselves financially

a.       The most common source of argument, especially early in a marriage, involves money. You can get so excited to propel your lives forward you can do it too fast. When in doubt, save your money. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses. Live within your means. Don’t try to live how you want… live how you can. A financial mistake can take years to overcome. There are lots of different methodologies to follow to stay financially healthy. Utilize them. Ask others for your advice and disregard anyone who tells you what you want to hear. Listen to those who have opinions that differ from what you want because they are seeing something you don’t. Once you get those opinions, THEN act (or postpone action.) We made mistakes and got into serious debt. If any decision you make stretches your budget, think twice and get multiple sources of advice. If you have stretched finances, you’ll be in a world of hurt if that muscle pops. One of the easiest things to do is get into a pattern of tit-for-tat when spending money. The wife bought this, so I’m going to get that. You may be irritated at each other buying something because it was wasteful. Don’t double down on that and do the same thing yourself. Spending money can be therapeutic. That’s a very dangerous cycle and one that’s not always easy to see happen. Stay diligent and plan.

8)      Enjoy each other

a.       Spend time together. Do stuff together. Find things you both can enjoy and do them. It not only creates shared experiences, but brings you closer together.

9)      Enjoy time apart

a.       Spend time apart. You each have your own interests and hobbies. They don’t all have to match. Sometimes you need to be away from each other to be ‘yourself’. Once you get married, it’s always ‘we’. Find some time for ‘me.’  There has to be a balance between the two.

10)   Fight fair

a.       “I’m sorry” keeps the peace. Never deal in absolutes. (See what I did there) Neither of you ‘always’ and ‘never’ does anything. Give each other credit so that the other person doesn’t feel unnecessarily attacked. Don’t fight cheap. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t bring up something from three weeks ago if you haven’t brought it up before. People say mean things when they’re angry and hurt. Don’t EVER try to hurt the other (verbally or otherwise.) The hardest wounds to heal are words said ‘in the moment’ because those are often our true feelings we just don’t want to come out. And be careful when ragging on each other involving half-joking comments. Those types of things are insidious and foster distrust. One of the hardest things in a marriage is to know/feel the other person WANTS to be around you. Fighting fair means you respect each other to make that effort.

11)   Learn each other’s love language

a.       We each have our own ways that make us feel most loved. To maximize the impact of making the other feel loved, you must do it the right way. If one of my wife’s love languages is acts of service, but I bring her home a Slurpee, she may appreciate it. But it’s not going to maximize what I was trying to do. Learn your own love language. Learn each other’s. And then feed it. That Slurpee may have been nice, but separating the laundry may have been nicer to her. Love her/him the way they need. Not necessarily the way you want.

                                                               i.      Love Languages: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

1.       Words of affirmation

2.       Acts of Service

3.       Receiving Gifts

4.       Quality Time

5.       Physical Touch

12)   It’s not about being happy

a.       You’re not always going to be happy. Feelings feel good. Love doesn’t always. It certainly can. And you SHOULD hit peaks of happiness. But, marriage isn’t about being happy. That’s a byproduct. Marriage is about living a life together that (a) honors God, (b) enhances and builds up the other, and (c) provides fulfillment.

Marriage isn’t easy. But it should be rewarding. Remember, you’re making a commitment. It’s hard enough that if you go in thinking there’s a way out, you’ll find it. Sometimes one of you will be weak. The other has to carry the load. It’s your life together that you chose. Make it work. And love each other doing it.

HAVING CHILDREN

1)      It’s expensive

a.       Everyone will tell you this but you’ll never fully understand it until you do. You must put your wishes and wants behind what is necessary. You’ve lived your lives for yourselves and each other up to this point. Now it’s time to sacrifice. Doctor visits. Daycare. Diapers. Formula. Cribs. Changing tables. Bottles. Nipples (giggle). Car seats. Toys. Cleaning up messes. House proofing. It doesn’t end.

2)      Agree on discipline

a.       Not just on HOW to discipline, but when to. No one wants to deal with your bratty kids because you don’t discipline them. You’re not raising kids. You’re raising future adults. Get them ready.

3)      Don’t overextend financially

a.       Having a kid is dangerous financially. Not just because it’s expensive, but because good intentions are easily masked as bad ideas. You want that four-door car, but doing so will stretch you too far. You want that mini-van because it’ll make things easier. Well, not if you can’t afford an unforeseen doctor visit or illness. You want that uber-deluxe super-safety car seat that costs $250 when a regular one will do the trick. Lots of people and places will try to sell you on what you need. Ask your own parents whether you had that stuff or not. Chances are you didn’t, yet you still made it through alive. Don’t buy the hype. Again, live within your means and your means will grow quicker than you expect. Live outside your means and you’ll set yourself back for years. Never skimp on safety, but become knowledgeable about what’s safe and what’s superfluous.

4)      Life has changed

a.       When you got married, you gave up your single life. You lost some freedom to gain companionship. Having a child takes that up exponentially. Your life is no longer your own. Your existence is now to cultivate that little poop-machine. Don’t try to hold onto the life you had before and squeeze a kid into it. Accept life has changed and embrace that change. If you don’t, your marriage will suffer and your child will suffer because you are (at minimum) subconsciously resenting them.

5)      Enjoy each moment and time frame

a.       The biggest regret I have as an adult is that I didn’t know how to enjoy the birth of my kid. I wasn’t necessarily shellshocked. I just didn’t understand the blessing I had. Learn to enjoy each phase so you don’t look back and wish you did. What seems like an eternity usually only lasts a few months. God is trusting you with a life to raise. Trust me… you’ll wish you could enjoy each phase longer when it’s gone. The coolest thing is when you’re enjoying your child and cognizant that that time won’t last forever. That confluence of time and realization is magical because you recognize how awesome you have it at that particular moment. There’s no way to describe it any better than that. You’ll just have to experience it. But when you do, you’ll smile.

6)      Your own flaws in yourself will be transferred onto your child

a.       This is the hardest to accept. Not only are you not perfect (as discussed earlier), but you’ll transfer some of your flaws to your kid. And then you’ll get mad at them because you want better for them than the screw-ups you passed on. Be careful. There’s a fine line between cultivating and growing your kid and riding them. When they can actually think for themselves a little, all they want is to please you. Don’t let your kid think they’re perfect or they’ll never think they aren’t. But let them know when you’re genuinely proud. I find so many of the areas I wish my daughter was ‘better’ in are the exact areas I struggle, so I push. I want better for her and to learn from my mistakes. So, not only do you have to deal with your own flaws, you will see many of them manifested in them. So how do you fix that? Work on yourself! The fewer flaws you pass on, the better chance they’ll have. Of course, the good news is, you’ve been dealing with your own flaws your entire life, so you have some good advice to pass on!

7)      Sleep is overrated

a.       This is for parents of newborns. Lack of sleep with play tricks on you. Stay lucid. And don’t’ snap at your spouse out of exhaustion. They’re tired too. Take turns. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Suck it up so the other person can rest. Just know, the woman has it worse than anyone. Guys, be a man and accept that. Don’t whine. And when you finally get a date night? There may be all sorts of things you’ll want to do. My advice? Do it early and sleep!

8)      You’ll finally learn how much you are loved

a.       You have no idea how much your parents love you until you are one. That will open a whole new perspective on life. And it’s fun to think back at all the times in your life and better understand how THEY felt about it all. It’s like living twice in some ways.

9)      Safety first

a.       Don’t take risks. My daughter would have died 18 times had I been left to decide that whether something was a big deal or not. You’ll learn what is and isn’t. But don’t skimp on safety. Kids do a lot of stupid things. Gotta be prepared and ready to act.

10)   Expect to say things you never thought you’d say

a.       There are so many examples, many of them funny, of things I never thought I’d say. Kids are strange and do strange things. Their brains aren’t fully human. When those times come, my advice is to write them down and document them. I wish I did. Would be in for some good laughs…

11)   Your words mean little. Your actions mean everything

a.       As your kid gets older, your words mean only so much. From the moment they can, they will mimic you. Careful what they see.

12)   You must fight to keep your relationship strong

a.       Having a kid does NOT bring people closer together. It’s a lie. There may be occasional instances of that, but life isn’t a fairy tale. Having kids strains relationships. You must fight to keep each other strong and to know you are both in this together. Eventually, you can look back and see how you are closer because of what God allowed you to create, but don’t neglect each other in the process. Husbands notoriously feel left out. Women, make sure they don’t. You have to find the way to make that effort. Men? Your wife has it so much harder than you’ll ever understand. Show her patience. Have each other’s back and show each other love and affection. When fights do come, I’ve never been a fan of the ‘my kids never saw us fight’ frame of thought. It’s noble and utopian and would be nice… but life happens. I think kids NEED to see mommy and daddy fight fairly and they still love each other during and after the fight. Show kids you fight and come through it. Disagreement is natural, but if they see you come through it, they’ll learn how to better deal with conflict. Now, obviously, don’t go screaming and yelling in front of them. And certain topics just aren’t necessary for them to hear. But, the best way to teach a child to love someone is to love each other. And the best way to teach a kid to resolve conflict is for them to see it happen and resolved.

So there you have it. Make this go viral. It’s good, general advice about things I learned but was never really told beforehand. And if I was, it sure didn’t sink in. You’ll learn your own lessons. Pass them on.

Here’s hoping for good luck and good decisions.

Enjoy the journey.

What's the scariest verse in the Bible?

We all have that 'thing' that scares us most.

Spiders. Wasps. Clowns. Heights. The dark. Middle school.

But the scariest things are those we DON'T see coming. (Spiders make that list too!) You can't fear what you don't know or recognize... and to me, that makes the fear all the more visceral.

Which leads me to my question: What's the scariest verse in the Bible.

I'm sure that answer really depends on how you define scary. If you're an atheist, none of it should scare you, but for some reason, much of the Bible sure seems to. But, that's the topic of a different blog. :)

Does God's wrath scare you? It should, but you are already aware of it, so that awareness, to me, automatically pushes it down. Not because it isn't frightening, but because you know it exists.

Does Hell scare you? Well, if an eternity in a burning lake of fire never to be quenched doesn't scare you, then you're an atheist. So, the verses regarding Hell, while scary, again, blatantly warn us of the danger, so it brings awareness to the forefront.

What about being stoned to death (not the Colorado way) for adultery or disobeying your parents? We live in a culture where that law doesn't really apply anymore but those are easy to avoid. So, the fear factor there really lies in the fact of punishment. Don't do something wrong, and you'll avoid it.

Let's be a bit more abstract...

What about defining sin? Sin is scary...so that places James 4:17 high on the list: "If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them."

Uh oh. So, not only do we have to worry about our sinful actions, but our sinful NON-actions too? Oh geez. That's pretty dang scary. The 'don't-do-it' sins are tough enough to avoid sometimes, although pretty straightforward. But, the 'I-should-have-but-didn't' sins? That is certainly up there in terms of scare-quotient.

What about how to get into Heaven? Missing out on that is pretty scary. John 14:6 says (Jesus speaking), "I am the way, the truth and the life. No man gets to the father but through me." So... this verse says the ONLY way to Heaven is through Jesus Christ. That is pretty dang scary (and polarizing if you want to think we all worship the same God and there are many roads to Heaven.)

But to me... the height of fear is being mislead into something, thinking you were right all along.

So, to me, the scariest verse (and passage) in all God's Word is Matthew 7:21-27.

"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.' Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. "The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell-- and great was its fall."

Imagine being in math class, having a teacher who's engaging and fun. They sound smart and wise. You go into your final exam brimming with confidence because this teacher you relied on has taught you what you need to know... and know it you do!

To the tune of a 55 on your final exam and you fail the class. You know enough just to be dangerous but are really clueless.

Wait? What?! Not only did your teacher not write the final exam (administered by a third party), but he stands by his teaching. He taught you 2+2=4. But he also taught you a+b=z. And he somehow blames the test for being wrong... not him!

How would you know? He taught you so much other right stuff, or stuff that sounded right, why would you doubt him? I mean, good grief... he's a teacher for God's sake!

Now the question becomes does he really believe the lies he's been teaching or is he taking it upon himself to determine what SHOULD be the answer, according to him?

The veil here is pretty obvious. But the scariest thing I can imagine is thinking you are right but being so very wrong when it concerns your soul.

I know many who disagree with my views on things will contend that maybe I'M the one who's wrong. The only answer I have for that is I've educated myself enough to know the difference in what is real vs rationalized. Matthew 7:15 warns us to beware false teachers. The only way to know they are false is to know enough truth so when they touch upon it in their teaching, you'll recognize and be able to separate God's truth from their distortion.

1 Timothy 4 deals with this as well.

I'm in no way declaring I know it all. I am no way declaring I don't have my own sin and issues I deal with. I am  wholeheartedly declaring I DO and that it's a constant struggle for me. But, I do know enough to know not to rationalize my sin. I recognize it for what it is.

What breaks my heart is seeing many Christians seduced and buying into things that 'sound' Biblical but aren't. They post articles by slick heretics who (again) are either misguided or purposeful in their deception. When you come across someone and you like what they are saying, do a bit of research on them. Maybe not everything they say is a perversion of truth, but I sure won't be quoting or linking to things written by people I know are not Biblical. Because if I endorse one thing they say, I've essentially endorsed THEM... and that's not going to happen.

They may have a nice quote here and there to use. But, people... PLEASE beware and guard yourself!

Below are three popular people I believe to be heretics... people who preach a false (or nonexistent) gospel. This is in no way a complete list. It's just the three most common I've seen linked to or quoted that I know who have twisted the truth...

John Pavlovitz - WAY too many Christians have linked to this guy. Look at what he espouses. He's a tricky one but his views on the church and fallibility of the Bible are very concerning.

Rob Bell - Spreads the message that we can get into Heaven even if we go to hell. There's more to the guy than this, but this is enough for me to label him severely misguided.

Joel Osteen - The definition of feel-good religion. There is NO gospel in his message. Just spiritual 'enlightenment' mixed with a few references to God.

http://www.religiouslyincorrect.com/Articles/FalseProphets1.shtml

There's so much more I could talk about. But maybe that will become part of a larger discussion. Maybe not.

But if you sincerely call yourself a born-again Christian, please be careful on who you listen to and what you follow. And if for some reason you think I'm dangerous for the stuff I spout, feel free not to listen to me.

I doubt you'll get that same acknowledgment from the others...

Would you go back?

Would you go back?


If you could, would you go back to college? High school? Jr High?


Ok, no one would probably go back to Jr. High. That’s just stupid. Three years of perpetual awkwardness on every level. If you’d want to go back there, you’re twisted.


But, when I hear people say all the time that they’d never want to go back to relive high school, college, whatever… I wonder… “Why?”


Maybe I’m strange. (Maybe ‘maybe’ isn’t appropriate there.) But, I would in a heartbeat. I understand when people say they wouldn’t. But, maybe I view that scenario a bit differently. I’m not saying I’d want to go back and relive those times as they were. What I really mean is I’d want to relive those times knowing what I know now. Knowing how to better take advantage of the opportunities I didn’t even realize existed.


I’d want to relive those times with less fear and trepidation. I’d have more confidence. I’d cast my worries to the side and just go for it.


I’d ask some of those girls out I never knew had much interest in me. Heck, I’d ask the ones out who didn’t just to see! I’d have worked harder and concentrated on school. I’d have put forth more effort instead of letting my test-taking ability get me through classes. I’d engage myself more. I’d still try to make people laugh, but I’d employ more foresight. I’d be less a pain in the butt to my teachers and more of a help.


When I say I’d go back, I’m not saying I want a different reality than what I have now. I’m saying I want the reality I have now enhanced by better decision-making. I want what I have now buttressed by the fruits of more insight and wisdom back then. I’m not saying I’m unhappy with the way things are now, although I certainly could have set my career goals up better. I’m saying I enjoyed those times in the past but realize the missed opportunities to make today even greater.


But here comes the rub? Would I really do anything differently?


I know and see the mistakes I made back then, yet I still make some of the same ones now… and I DO know better! What does that say? What does that mean? I’m not really sure. Does it make me a fool? It certainly might. I’d like to think I employ more foresight into my decision-making, but honestly, I may not very often.


It’s an interesting exercise to think about what you might have done differently ‘back in the day’ and then realize you have that same opportunity in the NOW.


I’ve always been a believer in having regrets. Not that we WANT them, but that we HAVE them. And probably SHOULD have them. If you don’t have regrets, either you’ve made perfect decisions along the way where hindsight wouldn’t even matter or you’re fooling yourself to think you (or life) couldn’t be any different/better. If you’re one of those who don’t believe in regrets ‘because my decisions made me who you are today’, then I’d argue you have settled for being less than you could have been. Regrets are meant to be learned from. If you aren’t learning from them, you’re not maturing or growing. I think it was Muhammad Ali who once said if you view the world the same at 50 as you did at 30, you’ve wasted 20 years. (Or something very similar to that. I’m too lazy to do that research at the moment.)


“If I knew then what I know now…”


“Youth is wasted on the young…”


All clichés but very true, powerful ones. They can be depressing ones if you let them. Or they can be empowering ones.


I heard something at my daughter’s 6th grade award ceremony that, while simple, will now go into my lexicon of clichés… “Make an effort, not excuses.”


When you’ve spent so long not really MAKING an effort, it’s tough to start. The easiest thing to ever do is nothing. Trust me. I’ve mastered the art of doing nothing. My wife can confirm this. J


But, I wonder, in 25-30 years, what will I look back on today and wish I knew? Or did I already know and did nothing?

Inspired

As a kid, inspiration was easy to come by. Every experience was brand new and revealed something different about this thing called life.

One of the things I've learned growing up and becoming a 'grown up' is that sense of wonder is much harder to come by. Maybe it's because I've just become de-sensitized to life. The cause could be many things, but regardless of the cause... inspiration in life is much harder to come by unless you're looking for it.

And I think that's the worst part of growing up. We stop looking for inspiration.

We like cute little memes or inspirational quotes because we are so busy and rundown with life's responsibilities we neglect how inspiring life can be. I'm not talking just sunsets and double rainbows, but people. There is no more inspiring thing out there, beyond God, than people.

This is an ugly, ugly world. The older I get the more I see it. Does that mean the goodness is gone? I don't think so... but we've been so conditioned to look at the ugly, we don't recognize beauty anymore.

While I won't go into all the reasons why I'm writing this, I just wanted to recognize some of the inspirational people I know. This by NO means is a full list. Don't get your feelings hurt if you aren't mentioned. That only means I had to cut the cord at some point and hit 'publish' instead of writing a book. And heck, most of the people mentioned below won't even read this anyway.

You never know how the things you do impact people. Most of the time, when you TRY to impact people it falls flat. The best way is to inspire is to just live your life. Other people notice what you say and do... and even just how you smile.

I think we can all learn something from each other, but recently these are some people who have inspired me, one way or another. And to you? Thank you. Not because you're doing something so wild and amazing. But because you've shown me, as Samwise Gamgee put it in The Two Towers, "There is still good in the world... and it's worth fighting for."

Chris Custer - You're a walking inspiration, dude. If there's a single, genuine person I know, it's you. You are always positive, even when things aren't great. You help ME keep perspective on so many levels because, of all the things you've faced growing up and now, you keep a good, Godly attitude.  Your work and enthusiasm with the Special Olympics is fun to follow and humbles me.

Makenzie Allen - Who knew after all these years of 'kinda knowing each other' you'd end up in a blog I'd write. Not exactly an honor, mind you :), but, as well may be a theme throughout all this, your posts are always so dang positive and smile contagious. I have no idea what really is going on with you, but you ALWAYS seem to have a genuine smile and happy/positive things to post. I don't contribute a lot of positivity to the Facebook world. You do. Thanks for that.

Allen McMahan - My uncle. Ok, so it's easy to be inspired by family, but we never really had much of a relationship growing up. You were my dad's brother in California. But, it's been great getting to know you over the last few years. That talk we had the other night about some things in your past, even without many details, was really neat. Few things are as inspiring to me than someone who knows where they've been and are proud and thankful to be moving forward. You get it. You appreciate where you are. I can learn a lot from that.

Andy McMahan - My brother. What a wild freakin' ride you've been on. Of anyone I know, you very well may be the most mentally tough person I know. I'm not sure I'd have survived your life. We are obviously very different (I'm better looking), but your perseverance each time life kicks you in the crotch humbles me. I like to think I'm that strong. Maybe I am. I sure hope to never find out... but I KNOW you are!

Adrian Landin - Man, you are the epitome of actions not words. I talk a good game, but you live it. From your travels to your self-discipline, you are just a guy who makes things happen instead of wishing them to. You LIVE life. I can certainly learn from you, bud.

Jay Lowe - I've met very few people in my life who are what they really appear to be. You've got the beautiful family and star son and yadda yadda. :) But, you really are one of the most encouraging, friendly, real people I've ever met. I really enjoyed the Bible study we did. You've got a wisdom and heart anyone can and SHOULD learn from! Christianity is taking a serious PR hit these days but it's guys like you that give me hope that there are actually Christians who love others.

Heather Reid - I've said it before and I'll say it again... You had a dream to be an author and pursued that come hell or high water (literally these days). Seeing people reach a dream is just cool. 

Chris McCartney - You go hard in the paint like no one else. Wimps like me sit behind a desk and get paid. Guys like you get out and work to the bone for everything you got. Anyone can learn from your work ethic, even when life is tough. 

Dusty Moats - From a fat body just a few years ago to Mr. Olympia now, how can someone NOT be inspired by your journey?! At some point, I pretend I'll be as dedicated as you are. Probably won't ever happen, but keep inspiring dude. It's been fun to watch!

Jennifer Silver-Hudnall/Bryce Hudnall - The work you guys do and the emotional investment you guys make defines inspiration. You open yourselves up in ways that is not only inconveniencing, but heartbreaking at times. It takes a special person to dedicate their lives to actively helping others. 

Cara Griffin - We don't talk a whole lot, but I get most of my info through FB and Val... but with all the crap you've had done to your foot... I'd have had the thing amputated and called it a day! Plus your dedication to working out each day has been fun to follow. I'm trying to motivate myself to get to the gym once... and you've been going strong for a while now, daily. That's pretty cool.

Tony Martinez - Life hasn't always been good to you, yet you don't lose faith. You get down and frustrated, but whereas some people would curse God, you constantly lift Him up. You're a special guy Charmin, and your faith is awe-inspiring.

Brad McMullen - The guy who taught me it's not my turn to talk unless I'm holding the tennis ball and that 'I am 3rd'... It's been fun watching you enjoy your retirement traveling everywhere, doing fun things... just living. You have a fantastic family and it's easy to see why.

Stanley/Anna Burgess - Watching your journey against epilepsy was tough, and then inspiring since the surgery. I'm so happy that issue seems to be gone, but watching the faith through which you handled it all was great. And those three daughters of yours? It's not always fair to say a child is a reflection their parents, but in this case, I think they are. You've got some amazing kids. 

Benny Proffitt - I couldn't have asked for a better youth minister growing up, but even all these years later your First Priority ministry is still going strong. There is just no let up with you. I'm honored to have had you mentor me growing up and consider you one of the major non-family influences in my life... not just because you taught me about Christ, but because you live it and constantly push forward. 

Valerie McMahan - What inspiring list would be complete without the woman who puts up with me and my crap? (Just between you and me, shhhhh, I may not be so easy to live with, yet you signed up for it...) Thank you. You help push ME forward and keep me grounded when necessary. I can only hope to do the same for you.

I could keep going. I wish I could. But, the running theme here is every single person listed (and many more not) are genuine people, flaws and all. We can all learn something from each other. 

Look for those in life who inspire YOU. They may not even be good people, but find something. Don't let yourself get so jaded by life that you let yourself miss out on the joys of it. It can be mundane. Frustrating. Tiresome.

But it can also be inspiring. If you know where to look.

What are you fighting for? And why?

I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut. I really am. Not sure if it’s a lack of self-control (highly probable) or something else, but something must be said.

I could talk all day about the Baltimore idiocy, but maybe another day. No, I’m hitting harder and slightly less obvious than that: Gay Marriage.

There is obviously a split on the issue, and that only makes sense. You have the lefty liberals who think all love is the same, unless it’s the love for an unborn child. You have the righteous righties who don’t really know what they want or believe. Personally, I think most just want whatever they think the public wants and will be conservative elsewhere. At least the liberals are consistent. There are so many factions within the conservative side, you’d have better luck counting the stars on a clear summer’s night. 

It’s not the split that bothers me on the issue. That’s natural. The problem to me is WHERE the unnatural split is… and why.

Many of you aren’t going to like this, and that’s ok. I think as much as anything, I’ve fallen into a trap of watering down my opinions so I seem agreeable. I’m not a fan of pandering. I can’t sit here and gripe that the world is full of wimps who are afraid to speak their mind when I’m not going to… so…

If you’re a Christian and are fighting for gay rights, I think you have a problem.

Kinda abrasive, I know. But, stick with me and see this through.

I’m not perfect. Chances are, if anyone is reading this, you are probably in need of less forgiveness than I. No, this is about understanding the standard of comparison, we as Christians, should adhere to. Not just SHOULD… but MUST adhere to.

Just as you don’t measure your weight with a clock or your strength with how fast you type, you don’t measure Godliness by shifting, progressive societal standards. You don’t measure against what you think should be how things work. You don’t even measure against your own personal experiences. You measure them against God. And He has a very clear standard. It’s called the Bible. (The origins of which may just be a topic of another blog at some point…)

If you are born-again, you have acknowledged you don’t match God’s standard and need His forgiveness for that. There’s obviously more to it, but that concept drives what you believe, who you are and why you believe what you do.

So, if we can agree we aren’t perfect, then that begs the question… Are there LEVELS of imperfection? Simply? No.

If that’s true, then it must mean the sins I commit really, in the grand design of forgiveness and grace, are no different from the sins you commit. Agreed? Good.

So this brings us to the question: What’s the hang up with homosexuality/gay marriage?

The hang up is I’m not trying to justify a lifestyle (didn’t say choice, although that’s another potential topic) that’s against God’s standard. I’m not saying the sins I commit are ok. I’m not trying to rationalize it when I sneak a peek (or more) of late night Cinemax. I know what I’m doing is wrong and I do it anyway. If I lie to my boss that I’m sick today… no amount of societal pressure makes that right.

If you’re using God’s standard, then have to admit homosexual acts are sinful. Notice what I said and didn’t say. I didn’t say homosexual desires are sinful. I don’t know all about the born this way/born that way arguments. I can have that discussion, but that’s honestly fairly irrelevant to my point. I DO know to engage in any activity requires a personal choice to do so.

I know premarital sex is wrong. If I chose to do that, societal norms don’t make that ok. But if you aren’t married and are engaged in sex, you’re sinning. Still with me, even if you don’t like it?

The next point to establish is God created man and woman. A primary intent of marriage, from a Biblical perspective, is for a man and woman to propagate the Earth. It just happens to be that propagation is kinda fun. But that doesn’t mean it’s ok for anyone/everyone. He made it clear sex outside of that arrangement is wrong.

So with those two points made: sex outside marriage is wrong and marriage was created for a man and woman… where does any Christian get the idea that it’s ok in any other situation?

That answer is simple: Society.

Society wants to tell us if it feels good, do it. We don’t like something? Let’s make it ok. There is a higher standard than that, and as a born-again Christian, you’ve said you realize that and chose it. Either you’re going to pick and choose the parts you like or you’re going to believe the whole thing. And if you’re picking and choosing, on what basis are you deciding? Certainly not God’s.

Onto love…

Yes, God loves us all. Equally.

I won’t go so far as to say God WANTS us happy b/c happy is a unique concept. We are created for His purpose. Our lives are not our own. Happiness is something WE want. God loves us but I believe happiness is a construct WE created (and change the criteria at a whim), not God. But that’s not necessarily a Biblical statement as much as an interpretation. Maybe I’m wrong.

But don’t for a second believe that love is love. All love is NOT equal. If love is love, then what stops an adult from marrying a child? An animal? A car? Human laws? Or the inherent understanding that that is just not quite right?

That’s the point. It’s obviously outlandish, but you can’t arbitrarily allocate love and then say it’s all equal. By doing so, you diminish it. And God, in the Bible says, He is love. So, you are therefore diminishing Him.

Next…

Let’s establish a pretty easy concept.

Holiness = Good

Sin = Bad

We ok there?

Good.

You want equality? Understand that all sin is equally bad. It can never be good. It’s not to be justified either. You can’t sweep sin into a new, shiny box and repackage it as good. So why would a Christian fight for the right to do that? Why would a Christian say sin is not a sin? That’s exactly what some are doing…

And sadly, many of the Christians I’ve seen fighting for ‘equal rights’ have never… not once that I can tell… fought for anything to further a Christian worldview. You’re willing to fight for gay rights, but not to further Christian causes? That doesn’t make them bad people… that makes them misguided. They may think they’re doing something good here, but that’s my point (and the problem)… they aren’t.

Now, I know the next argument…

Who are you to judge? God called us to love others, not judge them.

You, my friend (if you are still my friend) are 100% right. And there are many ways to love… one of which is to hold each other accountable. Not to point out how ‘bad you are’… but to help each other know and realize when a brother or sister is falling off the wagon. It can happen so gradually we never even know it happens. We are so afraid of offending others to protect the idea of ‘judgment’ that we are no longer doing our duty. (I said duty… giggle.)

You can love people and disagree with them. If you are still reading this, you’re either nodding your head in agreement or fuming you ever knew me. Again, I’m not going to placate you. It’s time to call things what they are… not based on opinion, but based on Biblical standard.

Again, God calls us to hold each other accountable. I’m not bashing gay people. I don’t hate them. I just don’t agree with their wish validate their lifestyle as something it’s not. Heck, I’ll venture to say, most of the gay people I know are VERY nice, generally moral, good people. (Sadly, moreso than some Christians I know.) It’s not about that. It’s about the standard we must hold ourselves against.

Now… any Christian who brings forth this message hatefully is doing major damage to their namesake. I sincerely, despite being a message you may not like, can acknowledge there is no hatred here. You can’t hate your way into people’s decision making process. You can disagree… even fight against different things, without doing it hatefully. But that doesn’t mean there’s room for compromise. It just means you understand how to love others when you disagree.

Gay people… I am not judging you. Fewer people are than you realize. If you want us to understand you better, then you need to understand us better too. You know, that whole ‘equality’ thing goes both ways… Understand that when something is pointed out as sinful, it’s not sinful to me or someone else… it’s sinful to God. Based on HIS standard. If you want to get mad and immediately retract to the idea that we’re judging you, you don’t understand what judgment really means.

If you want to know what time it is, you look at a clock. Why? Based on the standard of time man has developed, it is 3:43pm right now. It’s not 3:27pm. It’s not 1:42pm. It’s 3:43pm. Why? Because that’s what is says for central STANDARD time. But unlike time, God doesn’t change. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. That’s not opinion. That is Hebrews 13:8. Society doesn’t affect God’s standard. (Now don’t go throwing Old Testament verses at me thinking you make a snappy point. By doing so, you immediately discredit yourself by showing you don’t understand Old/New Testament context.)

Now…

There’s a 3^rd tendril to my logic… (I should be a preacher…)

We’ve established, Biblically:

·         Sex outside marriage is sin

·         Marriage is meant for a man and woman

·         Sex outside a married man and woman is sin

That’s logic, yo.

ALLLLLLLL this said…

Marriage is a dichotomy of terms. To a Christian, it is a spiritual covenant between God and man. To man, it is a legal contract between two people allowing certain rights.

From THAT perspective, I don’t care if they have that. That bothers me none. If Bill and Joe are a couple and spend their entire lives together, Bill should have a say in Joe’s funeral arrangements. That’s called human decency.

I understand that’s what people say they’re fighting for. But it’s not. What they’re fighting for is the validation that a lifestyle of sin is ok because they love each other. It’s just manifests itself by those contractual privileges. So, to me… the issue to attack isn’t affirming gay marriage. It’s simply cutting the legal red tape that defines a contractual relationship.

Sin is not ok. It’s never been ok. It never will be ok. According to God’s judging, not mine. I will continue to sin and it will continue to not be ok. I can’t make it ok because it makes me feel better thinking it is.

Now, if you don’t want to believe the Bible on all this, that is certainly your choice. But, if you call yourself a Christian and you’re fighting to validate that lifestyle, as the meme goes… you’re doing it wrong.

There are ways to love others without validating their sin.

The Queen James Bible... Yes, it's a thing

A good friend of mine sent me this link recently (http://queenjamesbible.com) and wanted to know my thoughts.

Thoughts were preceded by a number of emotions: Sadness... Anger... Frustration... Contempt... Resignment.

Sadness because this world is free falling into a misguided abyss that is twisting God's Word for its own selfish purpose.
Anger because this world is increasingly accepting false gospel as truth.
Frustration because so many of us Christians let this stuff pass by... or worse, support it.
Contempt for those who are selfish enough to think they can rewrite the inspired Word of God to suit their cause.
Resignment because the slippery slope has created an avalanche of disdain for what Christianity really is... and many Christians unwittingly helped push it along.

If there's any better example to illustrate why I don't support a gay agenda, I haven't seen one. There are so many directions and qualifiers I'd like to get into to set my point up here, but this would turn from a blog to a book.

But the arrogance it takes to think they can change the Bible is astounding. And scary.

The Queen James Bible editors are slick. But, one major flaw is in using the KJV as the gold standard of Biblical interpretation. So, instead of going to the source, they reinterpreted a version of Bible. They looked for ways to twist meaning and words to suit a specific cause. But, they only changed 8 verses. That right there should raise an eyebrow.

They went in with an agenda. If their effort was honest, they'd have gone verse by verse, looking to remove ANY 'ambiguity'... not just homosexual ambiguity. It's like a science experiment. Scientists don't go out to prove a theory or point. They go out to DISprove it. When they can't, they they know they are on to something. If they go in with a specific agenda, the results are tainted in favor of a certain bias, thus invalidating the entire process.

That's what these editors have done. They went in to 'clarify' specific points for their own purpose. Instead of re-translating, they decided to re-interpret... and there's a massive difference between re-translating and re-interpreting.

Twisting the Bible to remove 'homophobic' verses is about as arrogant as I think humanity can get. We don't like something? Change it to fit our needs. If you're going to change it... Just don't believe it at all.

I'll address 'homophobic' in a bit, but Isaiah 5:20-21 says, "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight!"

Galatians 1:6-10 says, "I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse! Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

God's Word is infallible. You can argue all you want about how it was put together by man, yadda yadda yadda... End of the day, if you are a born again Christian, you believe by faith that God's Word is true. Not parts of it. Not the pieces you like. But the whole thing. There is no picking and choosing. That also means you need to know it well enough to understand context of Old vs New Testaments. Or contexts of verses against other verses. Because if you don't, how can you tell when it's being twisted by people who know what they're doing?

I find it ironic people blame the media for taking certain quotes or soundbytes out of context when so many are so willing to do the same (and much worse) with the Bible!

Now to homophobia. Good grief, that may be the term I hate more than any other. A phobia is a fear. People fear spiders. Snakes. Clowns. The closest to homophobia there is might be gay-agendaphobia, because it getting scarier and scarier.

Anti-gay doesn't even cover it because that infers we do not accept or love those people. We do (or should.)

I'll say it as plainly as I can: I love gay people.

But just because you love someone doesn't mean you support everything they do. You wouldn't let your 3yr old child play in a busy street. They think it's ok, but you know better and you love them enough to pull them back in the yard. You don't let your child eat ice cream for breakfast (everyday :) ) because it's unhealthy.

I'm not homophobic. I ain't skeered. I'm not even anti-gay. I love them as people. I've known many. But, as a Christian, I am NOT willing to classify their world-view as Biblically acceptable.

You see, there's a reason I (and most Christians) don't support a gay agenda and it has nothing to do with hate. Sure, there are some people out there who DO hate gay people, which I think is sad. But, saying all Christians hate gay people is like saying all white people are racist. That's just not the case, but makes for a good headline.

To support something means to endorse it. As Christians, supporting a gay agenda equates to endorsing it. And if we are to follow the Bible, we simply can not do that.

Somewhere along the way, people who aren't Christians have decided how Christians should think and behave. Non-Christians have decided to redefine 'love' to meet their needs. To Christians, by definition, God IS love. So, how can a non-Christian have any idea what love truly means to a Christian?

What the secular world wants to hear is it is ok to sin. Actually, what they WANT to hear is sin ISN'T sin.

If you don't believe in the Bible, then that's a completely different argument and there's no common ground here because we aren't even discussing from the same perspective. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything here since I'm not even discussing my own thoughts on homosexuality at length.

But the agenda they are force-feeding society is dangerous.

Dangerous how? Well, for one, they have gotten powerful enough to try to change the Bible. And some people are clearly letting them. That's pretty dang bold, if you ask me.

I heard a quote long ago that has proven true in every instance I've tried applying it: What one generation tolerates, the next embraces. Isn't it time we start tolerating a true view of what Christianity is supposed to be?

I'm not saying gays are bad people. We are ALL bad people. From a moral perspective, I've known some gays who were nicer and had more integrity than some Christians I know. But, let's be clear... being good means very little. By any definition, no one is good enough to get themselves into Heaven. Not one.

Sin is sin. Lying is wrong. Murder is wrong. Cheating on your taxes is wrong. Adultery is wrong. Getting drunk is wrong. Stealing paper from your office is wrong. Refusing to help the poor is wrong. Smoking crack is wrong. Watching porn is wrong. Homosexuality is wrong.

The difference between all these? Homosexuality is the only one that is trying to define itself as normal and ok. Trying to convince us it's not wrong.

I'm not getting deep into the 'choice debate.' I DO know it's a choice to engage in homosexual acts. I know there are MANY gay Christians who have chosen a life of celibacy over having gay sex. Just as I know there are many Christians who do not/did not have sex until they were married. Heck, I am one of them. (No sex before marriage... not the gay sex part. :) )

But letting sin redefine our concepts of right and wrong is evil and twisted. And just because the majority think something is ok doesn't make it so.

The danger in a gay agenda is this: Supporters want to remove the idea that homosexuality is not wrong. By preaching 'equality, acceptance, etc' they want a world view that looks past their choices.

But it doesn't stop there. It can't. You can't stop an avalanche. It can only stop itself once it's done all the damage it's going to do.

The gay agenda wants a world where twisting the Bible to remove 'homophobic' verses affirms their world view. That's what is so scary. This Queen James Bible wants us to somehow connect the fact that King James I was bisexual... and since the King James Bible was written from his command, that that somehow means homosexuality is ok? What sense does that connection make??

What is painful is how moral relativism has now trumped Godly truth. There is no ambiguity. Concealing the truth (by changing the words) doesn't change the truth. All it does is hide it from those seeking it. And as the verses I mention above outline, there's a price to pay for that.

The Queen James Bible isn't really the problem. It's a symptom of a much larger one. An insidious coup to turn upon its head the very ideal Christianity is built on. Love. Knowing we are sinful. Accepting that we need help. If you're willing to deny something as sin, how can Christ forgive it?

That's the danger, folks.

Employment Wish List

Here I am, sitting in Jacksonville, Florida in my hotel room ending the second Monday of my new job. Virginia Slims ain't got nuthin' on me. I've come a long way baby. Instead of boring you with what my role is (I'm still trying to fully understand), I'll start this two part blog and give you my unrealistic wishlist in a bad economy after I was laid off back in February: 1) Change careers - I've been laid off from group benefits underwriting three times. I wanted out of that industry. Changing careers is hard enough. Doing it in a bad economy is ridiculously hard. I didn't mind staying in the insurance industry, although I sure wouldn't mind getting OUT of it either. I remember reading multiple articles about dying industries, and benefits underwriting was in both. Not good for job prospects. 2) Work from home - At MetLife, I worked really hard and excelled from the moment I got there. Within that, I was afforded some perks that I'd never had before. I was assigned to some high profile projects and flourished most of the time I was there. The best perk? Working from home. Not only did I save lots on gas, there's lot of freedom in waking up and booting up the laptop, never getting out of my Disney shirt and underwear all day. (How's THAT visual??) So, going into my next job, I really, REALLY wanted to work from home. Mainly because of the gas thing. I spent nearly $5k on gas/tolls in a year working at my previous job. Plus the lost time in traffic. Once I had the taste of working from home, it killed me each day to make that drive... much less wear actual work clothes. 3) More Money - Let's face it. We are not altruistic workers. We don't even work for companies. We work for our families and ourselves. Companies benefit too, so they pay us. But, unless you own the company... your loyalty lies to your family. Therefore, we all want to make as much as we can. Because I'm human, I wanted more. 4) No more production - This is closely related to my first point, but part of underwriting, unfortunately, is that it's a production-based job. How many quotes did you do? What was your turn-around-time? What's your closing ratio? It became a job where I was just a human conveyor belt. Instead of producing widgets and cogs, I was producing quotes. The reason I've loved the project work I've been on is because it allowed me to exit that reality and bring something to the table no one else could: myself. I wanted that again. I wanted to feel important beyond how many cogs could I pump out a day. 5) No relocation - In the back of my mind, I feared the possibility of having to move to attain any one of these goals. During my job search, I saw plenty of jobs... but just couldn't get a bite in the area. It had me wondering if I'd have to consider moving... Austin? Houston? Out of state? I didn't want to, but I prepared myself for the potential. So... what did I end up with? I am no longer underwriting, but still in insurance. Working from home for more money in a job that allows me the freedom to create the role as I go... and I'm still in Corinth. I have so much I want to write, but like my last Pity Party blog, it would probably be more therapeutic rambling than anything. That'll be part 2. But, nevertheless... I am blessed.