Marriage and Babies... Here's what to know!

Think I’m going to take a break (at least for this post) to write about something very different. I have a hard-hitting blog I’m thinking about (idea submitted by a good friend of mine), but that’s gonna wait. This one is still important, but may not apply to many of you.

But, I’ve got some friends getting married and having kids soon. I got to thinking about the advice I’d like to give. We all have our opinions on how people are supposed to run their own lives. Mine just happen to be right. J But employing learned advice and giving it are two different things. Would I have followed any of this when I was younger? Not sure. I would have liked the opportunity. That’s not to say I didn’t get good advice when I went through these times. I certainly did. But, these are the things I learned going through a couple of life’s major milestones:

MARRIAGE

1)      It’s a Love Triangle

a.       Marriage is a covenant between you and God where the goal is for you all to become one. Picture a triangle where God is at the top. If each of you grow closer to Him, you’ll inherently grow closer to each other. But if you try to just grow closer to each other without God involved, the triangle breaks. And if one of you is seeking God and the other isn’t, the triangle gets unbalanced. All three points must meet to maximize your marriage. And God is an unmoving standard. Move to meet Him and you’ll both reap the blessings.

2)      Both of you will make mistakes

a.       Newsflash: You’re not perfect. And neither is the person you marry. Marriage is a magnifying glass. Over time, long or short, the little things become big ones. Things you couldn’t see before are now visible. Remember when you first started dating and everything was peachy? After around 3-6 months, that kind of withered away and you start getting irritated with each other. Same thing happens. Once you realize (and understand) you each are flawed you can learn to forgive each other. Hurting each other will happen. Learning how to respond to that (and giving each other the benefit of the doubt) will keep the peace.

3)      It’s a commitment

a.       Don’t create contingencies. Too many people go into marriage with an unspoken understanding that you can get out if it doesn’t work. Society has taught us that. Don’t buy into that lie. Marriage is hard. Sometimes it sucks. But it’s also a choice you made. If it’s only a legal contract to you, then you will look for the first opportunity to run when it DOES get hard. When you roll over and can’t stand the face next to you, remember why you married in the first place.

4)      Love is an action, not a feeling

a.       You’re not always going to be ‘in love’. Don’t buy the lie that a good marriage is a romantic movie. Married life is listening to each other fart and pee in the morning. It’s fighting over whether to watch the Ranger game or Lifetime channel. Loving someone means to serve them and accept them. To make them better. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It’s 100/100. You both have to give it your all. Doing so is loving the other. You’re gonna not like each other a lot. A whole lot. But you can still love those you don’t like. The key is getting past that and liking each other again. Don’t confuse like with love. It’s too easy to do. And that confusing dooms more marriages than anything else.

5)      Don’t try to change each other

a.       Connected to the fact you both aren’t perfect, you need to be careful not to try to change each other. You certainly both must improve yourselves and learn how to coexist. But, be careful or you’ll look up to find yourself with someone else other than the one you married.

6)      Feed each other’s ego

a.       As you live together, each of your flaws will be magnified. One of the hardest things to do is to see the good in each other. Life beats you up and drags you down. You must boost each other up. You’re partners. Even when it doesn’t feel that way, you’re on the same side. Make each other feel good about themselves. That’s not just about saying, “I love you”, although that’s important. It’s about making the other feel good about themselves. Knowing the other has your back, unconditionally, provides hope. Hope is one of the most powerful emotions in existence. Feed that hope. You can tease each other and rag on each other for fun… but mix in affirming, encouraging words too.

7)      Don’t overextend yourselves financially

a.       The most common source of argument, especially early in a marriage, involves money. You can get so excited to propel your lives forward you can do it too fast. When in doubt, save your money. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses. Live within your means. Don’t try to live how you want… live how you can. A financial mistake can take years to overcome. There are lots of different methodologies to follow to stay financially healthy. Utilize them. Ask others for your advice and disregard anyone who tells you what you want to hear. Listen to those who have opinions that differ from what you want because they are seeing something you don’t. Once you get those opinions, THEN act (or postpone action.) We made mistakes and got into serious debt. If any decision you make stretches your budget, think twice and get multiple sources of advice. If you have stretched finances, you’ll be in a world of hurt if that muscle pops. One of the easiest things to do is get into a pattern of tit-for-tat when spending money. The wife bought this, so I’m going to get that. You may be irritated at each other buying something because it was wasteful. Don’t double down on that and do the same thing yourself. Spending money can be therapeutic. That’s a very dangerous cycle and one that’s not always easy to see happen. Stay diligent and plan.

8)      Enjoy each other

a.       Spend time together. Do stuff together. Find things you both can enjoy and do them. It not only creates shared experiences, but brings you closer together.

9)      Enjoy time apart

a.       Spend time apart. You each have your own interests and hobbies. They don’t all have to match. Sometimes you need to be away from each other to be ‘yourself’. Once you get married, it’s always ‘we’. Find some time for ‘me.’  There has to be a balance between the two.

10)   Fight fair

a.       “I’m sorry” keeps the peace. Never deal in absolutes. (See what I did there) Neither of you ‘always’ and ‘never’ does anything. Give each other credit so that the other person doesn’t feel unnecessarily attacked. Don’t fight cheap. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t bring up something from three weeks ago if you haven’t brought it up before. People say mean things when they’re angry and hurt. Don’t EVER try to hurt the other (verbally or otherwise.) The hardest wounds to heal are words said ‘in the moment’ because those are often our true feelings we just don’t want to come out. And be careful when ragging on each other involving half-joking comments. Those types of things are insidious and foster distrust. One of the hardest things in a marriage is to know/feel the other person WANTS to be around you. Fighting fair means you respect each other to make that effort.

11)   Learn each other’s love language

a.       We each have our own ways that make us feel most loved. To maximize the impact of making the other feel loved, you must do it the right way. If one of my wife’s love languages is acts of service, but I bring her home a Slurpee, she may appreciate it. But it’s not going to maximize what I was trying to do. Learn your own love language. Learn each other’s. And then feed it. That Slurpee may have been nice, but separating the laundry may have been nicer to her. Love her/him the way they need. Not necessarily the way you want.

                                                               i.      Love Languages: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

1.       Words of affirmation

2.       Acts of Service

3.       Receiving Gifts

4.       Quality Time

5.       Physical Touch

12)   It’s not about being happy

a.       You’re not always going to be happy. Feelings feel good. Love doesn’t always. It certainly can. And you SHOULD hit peaks of happiness. But, marriage isn’t about being happy. That’s a byproduct. Marriage is about living a life together that (a) honors God, (b) enhances and builds up the other, and (c) provides fulfillment.

Marriage isn’t easy. But it should be rewarding. Remember, you’re making a commitment. It’s hard enough that if you go in thinking there’s a way out, you’ll find it. Sometimes one of you will be weak. The other has to carry the load. It’s your life together that you chose. Make it work. And love each other doing it.

HAVING CHILDREN

1)      It’s expensive

a.       Everyone will tell you this but you’ll never fully understand it until you do. You must put your wishes and wants behind what is necessary. You’ve lived your lives for yourselves and each other up to this point. Now it’s time to sacrifice. Doctor visits. Daycare. Diapers. Formula. Cribs. Changing tables. Bottles. Nipples (giggle). Car seats. Toys. Cleaning up messes. House proofing. It doesn’t end.

2)      Agree on discipline

a.       Not just on HOW to discipline, but when to. No one wants to deal with your bratty kids because you don’t discipline them. You’re not raising kids. You’re raising future adults. Get them ready.

3)      Don’t overextend financially

a.       Having a kid is dangerous financially. Not just because it’s expensive, but because good intentions are easily masked as bad ideas. You want that four-door car, but doing so will stretch you too far. You want that mini-van because it’ll make things easier. Well, not if you can’t afford an unforeseen doctor visit or illness. You want that uber-deluxe super-safety car seat that costs $250 when a regular one will do the trick. Lots of people and places will try to sell you on what you need. Ask your own parents whether you had that stuff or not. Chances are you didn’t, yet you still made it through alive. Don’t buy the hype. Again, live within your means and your means will grow quicker than you expect. Live outside your means and you’ll set yourself back for years. Never skimp on safety, but become knowledgeable about what’s safe and what’s superfluous.

4)      Life has changed

a.       When you got married, you gave up your single life. You lost some freedom to gain companionship. Having a child takes that up exponentially. Your life is no longer your own. Your existence is now to cultivate that little poop-machine. Don’t try to hold onto the life you had before and squeeze a kid into it. Accept life has changed and embrace that change. If you don’t, your marriage will suffer and your child will suffer because you are (at minimum) subconsciously resenting them.

5)      Enjoy each moment and time frame

a.       The biggest regret I have as an adult is that I didn’t know how to enjoy the birth of my kid. I wasn’t necessarily shellshocked. I just didn’t understand the blessing I had. Learn to enjoy each phase so you don’t look back and wish you did. What seems like an eternity usually only lasts a few months. God is trusting you with a life to raise. Trust me… you’ll wish you could enjoy each phase longer when it’s gone. The coolest thing is when you’re enjoying your child and cognizant that that time won’t last forever. That confluence of time and realization is magical because you recognize how awesome you have it at that particular moment. There’s no way to describe it any better than that. You’ll just have to experience it. But when you do, you’ll smile.

6)      Your own flaws in yourself will be transferred onto your child

a.       This is the hardest to accept. Not only are you not perfect (as discussed earlier), but you’ll transfer some of your flaws to your kid. And then you’ll get mad at them because you want better for them than the screw-ups you passed on. Be careful. There’s a fine line between cultivating and growing your kid and riding them. When they can actually think for themselves a little, all they want is to please you. Don’t let your kid think they’re perfect or they’ll never think they aren’t. But let them know when you’re genuinely proud. I find so many of the areas I wish my daughter was ‘better’ in are the exact areas I struggle, so I push. I want better for her and to learn from my mistakes. So, not only do you have to deal with your own flaws, you will see many of them manifested in them. So how do you fix that? Work on yourself! The fewer flaws you pass on, the better chance they’ll have. Of course, the good news is, you’ve been dealing with your own flaws your entire life, so you have some good advice to pass on!

7)      Sleep is overrated

a.       This is for parents of newborns. Lack of sleep with play tricks on you. Stay lucid. And don’t’ snap at your spouse out of exhaustion. They’re tired too. Take turns. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Suck it up so the other person can rest. Just know, the woman has it worse than anyone. Guys, be a man and accept that. Don’t whine. And when you finally get a date night? There may be all sorts of things you’ll want to do. My advice? Do it early and sleep!

8)      You’ll finally learn how much you are loved

a.       You have no idea how much your parents love you until you are one. That will open a whole new perspective on life. And it’s fun to think back at all the times in your life and better understand how THEY felt about it all. It’s like living twice in some ways.

9)      Safety first

a.       Don’t take risks. My daughter would have died 18 times had I been left to decide that whether something was a big deal or not. You’ll learn what is and isn’t. But don’t skimp on safety. Kids do a lot of stupid things. Gotta be prepared and ready to act.

10)   Expect to say things you never thought you’d say

a.       There are so many examples, many of them funny, of things I never thought I’d say. Kids are strange and do strange things. Their brains aren’t fully human. When those times come, my advice is to write them down and document them. I wish I did. Would be in for some good laughs…

11)   Your words mean little. Your actions mean everything

a.       As your kid gets older, your words mean only so much. From the moment they can, they will mimic you. Careful what they see.

12)   You must fight to keep your relationship strong

a.       Having a kid does NOT bring people closer together. It’s a lie. There may be occasional instances of that, but life isn’t a fairy tale. Having kids strains relationships. You must fight to keep each other strong and to know you are both in this together. Eventually, you can look back and see how you are closer because of what God allowed you to create, but don’t neglect each other in the process. Husbands notoriously feel left out. Women, make sure they don’t. You have to find the way to make that effort. Men? Your wife has it so much harder than you’ll ever understand. Show her patience. Have each other’s back and show each other love and affection. When fights do come, I’ve never been a fan of the ‘my kids never saw us fight’ frame of thought. It’s noble and utopian and would be nice… but life happens. I think kids NEED to see mommy and daddy fight fairly and they still love each other during and after the fight. Show kids you fight and come through it. Disagreement is natural, but if they see you come through it, they’ll learn how to better deal with conflict. Now, obviously, don’t go screaming and yelling in front of them. And certain topics just aren’t necessary for them to hear. But, the best way to teach a child to love someone is to love each other. And the best way to teach a kid to resolve conflict is for them to see it happen and resolved.

So there you have it. Make this go viral. It’s good, general advice about things I learned but was never really told beforehand. And if I was, it sure didn’t sink in. You’ll learn your own lessons. Pass them on.

Here’s hoping for good luck and good decisions.

Enjoy the journey.